My mind was made up. I
would not waste a day more in approaching the neighbourhood bank for a loan of
Rs 5 crores. But I was not too sure if the bank would as readily make up its
mind about my creditworthiness with such a large sum. How would I know that, I thought, unless I took the
first step. All my life I had been
following the principle “neither a borrower nor a lender be”, so I was ignorant
of the ways to charm your lender about your creditworthiness.
Bankers are neat, tidy people. Strutting in
their three piece suits they take naturally to those so dressed. So I took out
my best suit -a little frayed in places but it had been considered fashinable once.It stood for stability, mocking the
fickle mindedness of my colleagues who seemed to change their suits half a dozen
times every winter. Whatever. Looking my best I presented myself
before the manager who made a huge effort to look pleasant and polite,
though I could sense that he had sniffed me with his banker’s nose that I was
an interloper. He made me sit. I thought he had no option – the three
chairs in front of him were all vacant!
Without any further
ceremony he talked business. Without any ceremony I stated my purpose – I
wanted a loan of Rs 5 crores. He just stared at me. Then he took out a neatly folded handkerchief, wiped the
nonexistent beads of sweat from his brow and asked with an exaggerated – almost
faux politeness, “what
do you do, sir.” “I am a retired police officer and I draw a pension of Rs 80,
000 per month”. He stared at me longer,
harder and with more venom. “Before we get to the other details sir, what
will you do with this huge sum? You said you had retired?” “I want to buy
a Hummer.”He looked quite uncomprehendingly at me now, doubting my sanity. “I said it is not an impulsive decision,
it is not a fad. I have given it days of careful thought .You see, actually my first
choice was an ocean liner. But it would have been very expensive and quite
beyond my means. But even if I had the means there was still the problem of
berthing facilities, the uneven depths would require a proper channel to be dug
up. Quite expensive. Then I thought of an amphibian vehicle. But that would
have raised the hackles of the buggers in Intelligence Bureau and who knows
even the CIA might have shown interest. Who wants trouble with these paranoid cops?”
I could see his face getting contorted with impatience or incomprehension I
could not tell but it looked like he was going to get a stroke. I wanted to
give some more details only to convince him that I was not a loony bugger
lately escaped from the asylum. Sensing that he was in some distress I stopped.
After considerable time and effort he barked at me at an almost subsonic level.“What the hell is a
Hummer and why do you want it?”
“Oh I see. I have a
Maruti 800 so I want to buy a Hummer. I have heard that it is the sturdiest
heavy duty SUV or whatever and with its high chassis it can clear any obstacles.
Some of my loan will go to buy the vehicle and the rest to get it periodically
filled up, what with the prices of petrol going up by the hour, one has to be
well provided for. Dhoni owns one such SUV.” He still looked puzzled. Dear me! I should have told him. “Well my house is in
the Gandhi Vihar Colony, in Patna. Now don’t tell me, you don’t know where Patna
is. Amitabh Bacchan was here recently and the sheer beauty of the city sent him
into raptures. The word is that Joseph Stieglitz who came here for a visit made
enquiries about a suitable property.Patna is likely to overtake Paris in terms of beuaty and grandeur and the mayor of Paris is already feeling threatened;
he is keenly studying the pattern of construction and destruction in the city.
It rekindled the hopes of the likes of Lord Nicholas Stern, professor of economics,
London School of Economics as a model for urban renewal and regeneration. Never mind that it gets inundated even when it
just threatens to rain. And if it actually does then it is deluge. I have my
house there so I am supposed to go there, aren’t I?”
He lost his cool. “Living
in Patna you dream of an existence free of water logging.Next you will come up
for buying a garbage disposal truck because garbage doesn’t get cleaned up. You
may like to buy an incinerator, or build a brand new power station for yourself
because there is no electricity. You better go to the moon. There are no
problems of water logging there, none of garbage disposal.” I was quick to catch the symbolism of my
banishment to moon. He was convinced I was touched in some corner of my head and
to escape me he seemed ready to throw himself out of the window. I reluctantly
made a move.
But I still have the problem at hand.
Perpetual problem .If by some miracle, at some future date the stagnant pool of
water does dry up (Well if the Ganges can, cannot the pool around my house?)
there will be the piles of garbage and construction rubble. Inspired by Ferrari
Kee Sawari an incipient but passing thought crossed my mind “Shall I steal
Dhoni’s Hummer? Immediately the former police officer in me caught the
momentarily way ward law abiding citizen by the scruff of his collar. I am still waiting at the bank to hitch a ride back home,
on my private island, from some lucky guy with a Scorpio .
